Three years ago today I left San Antonio, TX. I packed a U-Haul and a car and I drove away with my son. Leaving behind everything else. Leaving a house, a church, friends, pets. Leaving a husband, who had already left me. But more that that I left behind hopes, dreams, plans for my life. I was a brand new mom, who had plans to stay at home with her son. I was a wife who had plans to improve my marriage, to become a new person and trust God for the rest. The rest of my life was not set in stone, but it fell within the framework of marriage, for better or worse.
Then, everything came crumbling down around me. So I did the only thing I could do, I clung to God with both hands to avoid going down with the ship. The confusion, betrayal, uncertainty, anger and fear washed over me, but did not take me down with it. In the beginning I was sure that God would restore the relationship, bring him to his senses and bring forgiveness and healing. As the weeks turned into months and the months to years I struggled to understand God’s will. I stopped holding out hope, and belief became a pragmatic choice. Despite my feelings I knew that if I really believed what I said I believed about God, I had to leave the possibility open for reconciliation. If I say that God is a God who can do miracles, that he can heal the sick, raise the dead and change lives, then, I have to believe that he can do those things in my life. That he can heal marriages and change people…even him…even me.
Time and time again I have felt done, ready to move on…and time and time again I have heard God’s, still small voice ask me, “What if?” And time and time again I have struggled with it, and asked God why? And every time I have had to say Yes God. Yes I do believe in you, yes I do believe you can change hearts and lives, I don’t see it happening and I certainly don’t feel it, but if you bring it about I will obey. The last time was the hardest, but somehow it was different. It was recognition not just that I would obey, but recognition that God has the best plan for me. That it really isn’t about WHAT God has planned, it is more about TRUSTING that whatever it is, it is going to turn out better that any plan I could have hoped, dreamed, or wished for.
And maybe that is why it has been three years; God was waiting for me to trust, to let go of the notion that I could make plans for my life. Since then I have felt a release that I never felt before. It isn’t just me wanting to be done anymore. It is me knowing that this chapter is almost done, and whatever God brings in the next is going to be good, no matter what shape it takes.
It doesn’t mean that it isn’t scary and confusing, because it is. It just means that even thought I don’t understand why I am where I am, I can trust that Someone does and is going to use it for good. My job is just to do the next thing, walk through the doors as they open, and trust God to do the rest.