Four Years

Four years ago I became a mom, shortly after that I became a single mom…

something that I had never imagined I would ever be.  I love being a mom; it is the best thing in the world.  I don’t love being a single mom. I have done it long enough now to know that I CAN do it, but I have also done it long enough to know I don’t WANT to do it forever. It is hard. And I have it easy compared to some single parents. I have a great support network from both sets of grandparents and a living situation that allows me to go to school with out having to work also. But at the end of the day it is just me, alone, wondering if I am doing the best that I can.

I wonder what effect not having a father figure is going to have on my boy. I see him playing with friends and he wants to play the mom, and it breaks my heart, because I know it is because he has no idea what a dad really is. No idea what role a dad plays. I do everything I can for him, but that is something that is impossible to replace.  I hope someday he will know what it is like to have a dad who is there for him everyday.

After spending over a week living with cousins and friends my boy has come home starving for playmates. He begs for someone to play with all day long. It just reminds me of one more thing that he is missing out on, siblings. I had planned to have my children around 2 years apart so they could be close in age and play together.  With that option obviously off the table, I have to find other ways for him to have playmates. In order for him to have friends, I have to have friends. And as I have discovered it is not easy for a single parent to make friends. As I explained in my previous note “Stuck in the Middle”, being a single parent puts you in a very socially awkward place, people don’t seem to know what to do with you, so it seems it is up to us to make the first step The best way to make friend, is to be a friend, right? Invite someone over for coffee, dinner, a play date….well that is not so easy when you live in one small room.  It is not that I am embarrassed of my little “house” which is such a blessing for me to have. But it is uncomfortable to invite someone you don’t know so well to spend the afternoon in a tiny space, with your crazy kid, your bed and your cat.  So what is one to do? It is just one more thing for me to wonder about.

So for now, I sit and pray. Pray that something changes.