A while back I wrote a post entitled Belief, and ended it with “Part two to come”, so here is part two. A completely different part two than I had intended, but that is what happens when you let 6 months go by with out finishing your thought. Part one was about how I let the statement “If I really believe what I say I believe” shape my choices for the last few years. Now with the divorce final I have to figure out what that looks like for the next chapter of my life…and that is not easy.
I spent a good many years believing that I was a very emotional person, but what I have learned about myself in the last four years, is that I am NOT emotional. Now don’t get me wrong, I have emotions, but I really don’t react emotionally to many things. I don’t get excited and squeal over things, I don’t get overly annoyed or angry about things, and I don’t get teary eyed over much. I am very much a “life goes on” type of person. But there is one emotion that gets me and it hits me hard. Frustration. Nothing can make me react more emotionally or can bring on the tears faster than frustration, that helpless feeling caused by the “inability to change something” And lately I have been feeling it, along with it’s close friend disappointment.
What do frustration and disappointment have to do with belief? Well that is what I am trying to figure out. Every one says it is ok to be angry with God, but is it ok to be disappointed and frustrated? How can one be disappointed in God? Well I guess it goes back to he definition, disappointment is “caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations”. So I am disappointed with God for not living up to MY hopes and expectation, and frustrated because I can’t do anything about it. What a basket case.
So…back to the original question, “If I really believe what I say I believe, then” …then what??? Up until now that answer was a behavior, a way to act. Now it needs to take on a new meaning, and maybe some new words, “Do I believe He is who He says he is?” If I believe that God is love, that God is just, that God is faithful, that God is provider, that God is the beginning and the end, that God cared enough about me to send his son to die, then what? Then can I leave MY hopes and expectations behind and begin to hope in Him? Can I trust that he loves me enough to bring me HIS best in HIS timing, beyond what I could imagine?(and believe me, I can imagine a lot) That seems like the logical conclusion, but it is not as easy as it seems.
So maybe, belief comes down to just that, belief, having faith in something you can’t see. And letting that belief invade your thoughts and emotions, your hopes and dreams. I think it is easier to follow through on something that you can DO than something that you just have to BELIVE. It is easier to fall back into the arms of someone in a trust exercise, that to stand up on the chair waiting for someone to fly you away, even if you KNOW they are coming, it is hard to just stand there, doing nothing, waiting.
I do believe! Help my unbelief!