It is quite appropriate that the last time I wrote, I wrote about fear, because right about now I find myself gripped in the icy claws of fear. Afraid of what I really want, afraid to settle for less. I have asked God for some very specific things in my life, and I don’t want to settle for less. But at the same time settling seems a lot easier and more gratifying in the moment. I have never been very patient, I keep seeing the stupid quote pop up on Pinterest that says “Trust in God means trust in his Timing” and I need to see that each and every day because I have such a hard time just waiting. At the same time I have been in a place in my life for the last 6 months or so where my relationship with God resembles an angry teenager, who knows that their parents know best, but they just want to do there own thing and have fun. From this place, realizing what it will take to have what I have asked God for, it seems like I am impossibly far away. And looking at it straight in the face terrifies me. I feel so incredibly inadequate; can I really trust God enough?
I know the answer is yes. Because from the place that I wrote the last entry, I had faced my fears and gladly said yes I will follow. But when that didn’t turn out the way I expected I drew back, and questioned why God would mess with me like that. I knew it was for the best, but it caused hurt and confusion and it took me a while to see the big picture. I went from being very close to God and putting trust in him every day, to pulling back and while still feeling the loving Father, my heart was that of a spoiled little brat, who was throwing a fit because they didn’t get what they wanted. So how do I get back to that place of daily communion with the Father?
Through the complete destruction of my life, hopes and dreams I was close to him. I had to be. Sometimes it hurt so bad I could hardly breathe. I trusted him as he led me through the process of healing; I trusted his timing and gave him the desires of my heart. When he finally led me out of the lonely journey I was on, I was close to Him as I rejoiced in what he was doing for me, for the joy that he was putting back in my life. I trusted him every step of the way because I didn’t know how else to do it. But, I also made the mistake of assuming that I knew where he was taking me, and guess what, in true God fashion, He had other plans. And some how even though I was trusting him to lead me, and was still trusting that he knew what was best, I lost that connection. Just like that spoiled teenager I mentioned, I said ok God, that great, but I am upset and I am just going to go sulk in my room, I still trust that you are going to provide and take care of me, but I don’t really want to talk to you. How stupid and immature. I desperately want to move on to what he has next, but I know that won’t happen till I get that connection back so I can know where he is leading me. But I feel like at the same time that I am just trying to connect so that I can move on, and that seems selfish too. I need to want God, for God, not for anything he can do for me.
On Sunday the speaker challenged us to pray for 10 minute every day. I have done it one day so far, I thought it would be hard coming from the place I was in, but I just went back to the place of desperation I was in before and I poured out my heart, all the junk, and the hurt and confusion, just like a used to, and guess what, He was still there right where He has always been. Even though I haven’t done the 10 minutes more than the one day, things have been much different, and I plan to chat with my heavenly Father much more. I don’t have to have some amazing revelation or calling, I just have to come to him, just as I am.