Tonight my heart breaks. It breaks for all those whose hearts are broken. All around me people are hurting, lives are falling apart, and people are struggling to hold them together. My heart aches. It is not just one person, and the ironic thing is that is what enables me to write this, if it was I wouldn’t write because I wouldn’t want to jeopardize their privacy, or make them feel like a burden, but it is not just one, it is many. (And none of them are a burden)
I have been called to reach out to single moms. Called, that is such a serious sounding word. But really all it means is that God wants me to use my experiences to help others. Over the last few years, he has filled my life with single moms, some have helped me, others I have had the privilege of helping, all of us have shared a little bit of this crazy journey we are on. Common experience draws us together.
Lately another common experience has been drawing me together with others. Heartbreak. That terrible thing, which led most of us into the land of single motherhood. Those heart-wrenching experiences, that we would much rather forget, now that we have reached a place of relative contentment with our situation. When friends have poured their hearts out, I have had to remember, it all comes back. Empathy is such a wonderful thing to be on the receiving end of, but often difficult for the giver, because you have to remember what it felt like. What it felt like to have your heart ripped out and trampled on, the uncertainty, the fear, the guilt, and the failure.
I have been comfortable with sharing life with single moms. I have such a heart for these amazing ladies. This new phase is not comfortable. It is quite uncomfortable to relive emotions that I have long since put to rest. But I know that it is where I am supposed to be. Using the pain that I went through to help others, somehow makes it, if not worth it, less pointless.
Seeing the same kinds of things happening over and over again does not make it easier to explain. Every time, I shake my head in bewilderment, how could he be so stupid, how could be so selfish, how could he not see the amazing thing he has here, how could he walk way (unmarried), how could he not honor his vows (married), how could he not obey God. (Disclaimer: I am not bashing guys, it is not always the guy, there ARE great guys out there, but in the situations I have encountered lately it has been the guy) But today I was struck with a thought, sin is sin, and it all looks disturbingly similar. Satan uses the tried and true methods of self-centeredness and deception, if it works, why reinvent the wheel. So while the details may be different, the underlying factors are often the same. It is a relief to know it is not just a bad case of counter-transference on my part. And it points to the only answer to fix any of it, more truth and more God.
Bringing up all these memories and emotions stirs up fear. I wonder if it is really worth it to do it all again. With the full-scale spiritual war being waged against marriages and families do I really stand a chance if I try again? Is it worth the struggle, is it worth the pain, and is it worth the risk. And then I remember that fear is the enemies number one weapon again me. It is my Achilles heel. It can paralyze me. But since I have realized that, I can fight against it. I don’t have to live my life in fear; I don’t WANT to live my life in fear. I want to live my life in love and trust. I want to be secure in the love of God, trusting that He has a plan. If I listen and follow his leading I have nothing to fear. Except fear itself. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist)