“When words are written down they can be the finest expression of the human soul. Once words are marked down on paper, they cannot be taken back, they are in the world for good or for ill. They wither or they endure. Words can be dangerous things. They might find expression when we least expect it. Or they can desert us altogether”” – From Larkrise to Candleford
I wrote this quote down while watching TV because I thought it was so true, and I wanted to share it here. That was months ago. Apparently my words deserted me. I went from twice a month blog posts, to once a month, to now 4 months of silence. I don’t like being silent. But there are times when I don’t want to know what I think.
Words aren’t only an expression of my soul; they are the way I find my soul. In sitting down to write, I figure out what I really think and feel in ways I never do otherwise. Writing is as much self-discovery for me as it is self-expression. And sometimes it is just easier to just not discover.
Where to begin? The last 4 months have been a whirlwind. I graduated from nursing school, my son graduated from kindergarten, we went to the mountains, my grandma fell and broke her hip, I took a board review class, I took and passed RN boards (woohoo!), one of my dear friends got married, I had jury duty, we got two puppies, my ex-husband moved to North Carolina, we moved my grandma home on Hospice, and my son and I went to Legoland. And those are just the highlights from glancing over my calendar.
Within the next month, my son starts soccer, first grade (at a new school), and AWANA. Throughout all this I am caring for my grandma, looking for a job, organizing and boxing things in my home and in storage in preparation for moving. Tired yet? I am. The kind of tired where it is easier to pop on an episode of Downton Abby in the evening, than to face thinking about anything.
The uncertainty of my life right now is overwhelming. While nothing has changed, everything has changed…and everything is about to. I have been looking forward to this change, but so far it is not looking like anything I had planned. But isn’t that what they say? Life is what happens when we are busy making plans? So I am just trying to go with the flow. And breathe. In. And out. And not panic. And not hold on too tight. And not drowned in the overwhelming loneliness of it all.
See, there is that darn self-discovery sneaking in. I had not thought about loneliness, and certainly didn’t intend to write about it. But there it is. Marked down on paper, so it cannot be taken back.
When one reads the list of things I have been up to, loneliness would not be the first thing that would come to mind. But loneliness does not come from being alone, and it does not leave in the presence of busyness. It comes from not having someone to share your thoughts with at the end of a long day. It comes from having no one to help you figure out the logistics of getting your kid to practices and games and school events, and how in the world you are going to do all that once you get a job. It comes from boxing up baby clothes and not knowing if you will ever have the chance to use them again. It comes from lying in bed at night and wishing there was someone next to you, just for the comfort of it.
And this, my friends is why I have been silent. Because I just can’t face it.