Alone

I have heard this sentiment so many times and in so many ways. I think it is wise and totally true and something everyone should learn. I thought this was a good version, and the painting is hauntingly beautiful.

10151416_675032745883776_2157172414783979823_nHowever, it makes me want to scream.

So much of this type of advice is presented as a formula: Learn how to be happy alone AND THEN you will find someone. When you don’t NEED someone anymore, THEN it will be the right time. When you stop looking THEN someone will come along. Well guess what? I am happy, I am not needy, and I have stopped looking multiple times…and NEWSFLASH: I am still single.

I have learned HOW to be happy alone. But it doesn’t mean I WANT to be alone. I WANT a companion. I want someone to go on adventures with, to share the wonder, someone to be the second driver on awesome weekend trips, someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone to be honest with, someone to do the dishes at the end of the day when I have nothing left.

In the past 7 years I have been in one relationship and gone on 4 first dates, and exactly zero second dates. From each one I have learned something new about myself, or about what I want. Being divorced makes you realize idea of “The One” is ridiculous. I believe there are multiple people out there with whom I could have a happy successful marriage. And with each of those people life would probably look very different. I am not picky, but there are certain qualities that have to be there. I know what I want, and maybe that is the trouble. I don’t see the point in “dating” for fun when I don’t see it going anywhere. As a single mom my time is precious.

Somewhere near the top of the hard and awkward list is being a divorced, single mom and tying to date. The number one issue is time, how do I carve out time for myself? And when I can, do I really want to spend it awkwardly talking to someone I don’t know over coffee? But wait, I have to meet someone first. How am I supposed to meet people? And where? And with whom? My friends are mostly married with kids, so they don’t go out anymore. I don’t really have many single friends, because, you know, I have a kid. And on the rare occasion that I do go out I want to have fun, not spend my time figuring out how to meet people. And on top of all that I am just naturally awkward and probably would have no idea how to respond if someone was actually interested in me…much less know how to show that I was interested.

Everyone tells me I should do online dating. But I just can’t bring myself to do that. There is too much personal history relating to my divorce to make meeting people online seem ok for me. Someday I might be able to work past that, but not today.

So where does that leave me? Alone. Happy, self sufficient, and not looking too hard…but very much alone.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Alone

  1. One can feel alone even in marriage. Actually, it’s quite difficult to be self-sufficient in marriage and even more so to be happy alone. At least it’s difficult for me… Thanks for sharing, there’s actually much strength in your words.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s