[Not] An Apology

After my last blog post I almost wrote an apology. Posting something written while crying is probably not the best idea. But I did. And the next morning as people started commenting on Facebook, telling me that everything was going to be alright and things would work out, I felt bad. I didn’t write it because I wanted pity or attention. So I almost apologized. But I didn’t.

My writing process it probably different from most (everyone’s probably is). I don’t do rough drafts, I don’t start something and come back to it. I usually have some idea, some thought, that starts to bother me, and I muse on it for a week or more and then when I can’t stand having it in my head anymore, I sit down and write. And it usually goes in a direction I didn’t anticipate. I revise as I go, and then when it is done I send it out into the world. Because I know if I leave it, I will decide that it isn’t good enough, or doesn’t need to be said, or something along those lines.

The last blog post was no different, the core was something that had been kicking around for a while. The crying my eyes out while writing was the unanticipated direction. That fact that my process was the same is what kept me from knee jerk apologizing, and that gave me time to think it through. And I got a little help in my thought process.

First I heard the song “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissett, and I while I am not recommending the song (you have been warned) the chorus makes a good point. Singing to an ex, she says “I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It’s not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me.” As I talked about in the last post the fall out has really been bothering me lately. I feel like it has been 7 years, I shouldn’t be dealing with this anymore. So that last line, really hit home, it ISN’T fair to deny the fall out. The course of my life was drastically altered by someone else’s choice. That is fact. And that fact is still affecting my life today. Just to be clear I am not advocating playing the victim. We all have to take responsibility for our own actions. I have worked hard to stand on my own two feet. But that doesn’t make it easy.

The Second thing that helped solidify my thought process was this blog post about being a single mom on the Huffington Post. What we do is not easy. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love it. That doesn’t me we would trade it for the world. It just means that it is hard. And it isn’t fair to expect us to pretend that it is not. The whole reason I started this blog was to write about the hard things, with the hope that just one person will read it and know that they are not alone, know that what they are feeling is normal. So I don’t apologize for my last post. Because someone out there needed to hear it. Someone out there didn’t need it all tied up in a neat bow with all the answers. They needed raw, they needed real, they needed to know they weren’t alone.

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Broken Dreams

I am getting rid of my son’s baby stuff. I kept everything. When my son was a baby I was just sure that a wonderful man would come along, I would get remarried and have more babies. So I kept everything. Clothes, bedding , toys, furniture, accessories of all kinds. As he grew older, I just kept putting the old stuff in storage. My storage unit, which once had plenty of space, slowly filled up. Well my baby is seven now, there is still no man on the horizon and the thought of having another baby has become decidedly less appealing. So I am purging. Everything.

But as I worked in my storage unit. I looked at all the other things, that have been in there for the past 7 years. Tables and chairs, cake pans, special linens, art, all the things to make a house a home. And I thought, at what point do I give up on that dream too? At what point do I give up on ever being able to gather friends around my table that seats 8. At what point do I give up on having a kitchen I can bake cakes in? At what point do I give up on having space to display the things I love?

When I took a Divorce Care class, years ago, they told us to make a list of all the things we had to grieve the loss of. Not just the loss of your spouse, but the loss of the plans and dreams. The thing is, no one told me those losses would continue so far into the future. I have healed. Most of the time I don’t even think about it much. But lately I look around and I see that there is still so much fall out. There are the holes that I wrote about last year. But there is just the everyday drag, and the feeling that none of this should have been like this. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back. I wouldn’t trade the lessons I have learned and the person I have become for anything. But I just want something to be different. Something to make it a little easier. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and tell ME it is going to be all right. Tell me not to give up on my dreams. Tell me that someday I will be able to sit around my table with friends and celebrate that this chapter is over.