[Not] An Apology

After my last blog post I almost wrote an apology. Posting something written while crying is probably not the best idea. But I did. And the next morning as people started commenting on Facebook, telling me that everything was going to be alright and things would work out, I felt bad. I didn’t write it because I wanted pity or attention. So I almost apologized. But I didn’t.

My writing process it probably different from most (everyone’s probably is). I don’t do rough drafts, I don’t start something and come back to it. I usually have some idea, some thought, that starts to bother me, and I muse on it for a week or more and then when I can’t stand having it in my head anymore, I sit down and write. And it usually goes in a direction I didn’t anticipate. I revise as I go, and then when it is done I send it out into the world. Because I know if I leave it, I will decide that it isn’t good enough, or doesn’t need to be said, or something along those lines.

The last blog post was no different, the core was something that had been kicking around for a while. The crying my eyes out while writing was the unanticipated direction. That fact that my process was the same is what kept me from knee jerk apologizing, and that gave me time to think it through. And I got a little help in my thought process.

First I heard the song “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissett, and I while I am not recommending the song (you have been warned) the chorus makes a good point. Singing to an ex, she says “I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It’s not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me.” As I talked about in the last post the fall out has really been bothering me lately. I feel like it has been 7 years, I shouldn’t be dealing with this anymore. So that last line, really hit home, it ISN’T fair to deny the fall out. The course of my life was drastically altered by someone else’s choice. That is fact. And that fact is still affecting my life today. Just to be clear I am not advocating playing the victim. We all have to take responsibility for our own actions. I have worked hard to stand on my own two feet. But that doesn’t make it easy.

The Second thing that helped solidify my thought process was this blog post about being a single mom on the Huffington Post. What we do is not easy. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love it. That doesn’t me we would trade it for the world. It just means that it is hard. And it isn’t fair to expect us to pretend that it is not. The whole reason I started this blog was to write about the hard things, with the hope that just one person will read it and know that they are not alone, know that what they are feeling is normal. So I don’t apologize for my last post. Because someone out there needed to hear it. Someone out there didn’t need it all tied up in a neat bow with all the answers. They needed raw, they needed real, they needed to know they weren’t alone.

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